Missing Mom

One week after Neal's mom, Susan's cancer diagnosis, she passed away with both her children present.  It happened all so fast.  Neal and Kira have just had the most difficult experience of their lives but also one of the most sacred. 

Susan Ionne Vander Upwich, passed away at the age of 61 on the evening of December 10, 2012 at her home in Stanton, CA.  Words are not adequate to express the Susan-shaped-hole left in our hearts.

Needless to say, we joined Neal in CA a couple days after and proceeded to finish up her affairs, clean out her apartment, and meet with family as we comforted each other.  She was memorialized on the morning of December 17th at the church she attended, Calvary Chapel in Garden Grove.

Keri accepted the invitation to honor her mother-in-law by giving her eulogy.  We share it here as the blog serves as our family journal.

Susan lived a regular life.  She moved around as a daughter of a Navy man, cared for her siblings and mother after her father's death, graduated from high school, married, had a son and daughter, worked as a lunch lady at an elementary school and in retail, attended church meetings with friends, and in later years, didn't travel far but to see her kids and grandbabies.  She collected things that brought her joy.  She wasn't extravagant in her living.  However, to those who know and love her, even if she lived an ordinary life, she was an extraordinary woman.

Susan was compassionate and loving.  She could cry at the drop of a hat and we have found enough Kleenex in her home to prove she was well prepared. 

Royce, Susan's sister-in-law, hit the nail on the head when she said that what best defined Susan was her generosity and her willingness to ALWAYS put others first. She always took care of someone and even if her finances were limited she would do without in order to help you. We saw this in obvious and subtle ways. 

While visiting us in TX, and upon entering a store, we noted two homeless men sitting outside.  She went in bought to meals at the inside fast food restaurant and went out and gave it to them before we went in to pick up what we had come for.  This was typical of her.

Her kids remember her noticing a homeless man who had stayed under an overpass for a few days.  She gathered a bag of clothing, stopped on the freeway, dropped it off, and later drove by again to make sure he had gotten it.  She also worked with her church in feeding the homeless.

She took in stray cats, even ones who needed medical attention.  She was their mommy.  Her daughter, Kira and her husband, David, have surely followed in her footsteps regarding this, as they have the animal kingdom living with them as they help out with ferret and cat rescue.

When Susan got her hearing aide, she made sure to show it off to a hearing impaired student that she served lunch too.  She wanted the child to know that they were not alone. 

She also participated in a prayer group at church to help care for and strengthen others as they petitioned their Heavenly Father regarding their needs and desires.   

Her brother, Brad, also saw how self-sacrificing she was.  With this in mind, he gave her a very fine watch as a gift.  Susan loved watches and they really wanted her to know how much she was appreciated.  Usually being the giver, Susan was overcome with emotion.  She truly believed it was better to give than receive.  Brad shared that “She has taught me so much and how giving is truly a blessing from God.

Going through her things supports what we already have come to know through her actions.  Susan, despite any distance or opposing views, loved her family. 

It is likely that being part of an often moving Navy family and losing her father, Waymon, as a child, and later her younger brother, Eric, cemented the value of family in her heart.  It has been hard and wonderful all the same time to go through her photo albums and read her journaling – births, birthdays, graduations, weddings, family trips. It has been quite a ride.  She showed her love to her family in other ways too.

First, she would tell you.  She wasn't afraid to say “I love you.”  She told you how much you were a blessing in her life.  She said humble enough to say “I'm sorry.”  She called and gave kisses over the phone.

But her actions showed how much she cherished her family as well.

As her family and friends, we know that she prayed regularly for us.  We have heard her do so and she has told us that she did.  Much of her family lived far away and she knew even if she did not know the nitty gritty specifics of our lives, that God did and He knew how to love us.

Sheena, recalled, “Aunt Sue used to kidnap me all the time growing up just to take me on adventures. I remember her coming and taking me to Knott’s Berry Farm, Disneyland, and Sea World. One time when she was coming to get me from the house she grew up in, on New Zealand Street, she went to the wrong house two doors down. I never let her live that little mix up down.”

Royce shared that Susan was eager to babysit her little nephews, one of which had special feeding issues that required a little more patience and care.  Others shied away from watching him for this reason but not Aunt Susan.

Waymon, her nephew, remembers that she would read to him until he fell asleep.  That she would take him and Josh places and played with them.  They knew that when they were going to see her, they were going to have fun.

When I was sick with some long term health issues, she sent me cards regularly, at least two a week, often more.  Hallmark made a fortune off her but I knew I was loved and thought of.

When her mom, Ionne's,  health declined in later years, and at times she was not able to even recognize her daughter, Susan would still go to hold her mom's hand, sit with her, roll her wheelchair outside for some sunlight and fresh air, and attend services in the chapel.

She regularly sent packages and cards to her grandbabies, Sophie and Rhys.  We would often point Grandma Sue out in our wall of family photos so they would come to know who that love was coming from.

I could go on I'm sure but you probably have your own special memory of how she loved you.

Susan enjoyed humor.  A quote from Gordon B. Hinckley, I think sums up her take on life quite well.  “In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” 

First, she could laugh at herself – she took forgetfulness or little mistakes in stride. I remember her telling me how she had taken a fall and had a good laugh before working to get up.  She'd laugh at herself when finding cards and little gifts she had tucked away long after their intended event.

She had fun giving gifts that made her laugh and she thought would make others laugh.  On Christmas she sent Kira and I matching fur aprons and fur covered brooms.

To open any wrapped present from Susan was an accomplishment in itself as the woman LOVED tape and was not afraid to use obscene amounts of it.

Susan seemed painfully aware of her weaknesses at times but she did recognize her gifts and talents as well, though she was never boastful.  We did find a little slip of paper where she had scrawled out some of her strengths—self-sustaining, dependable, caring, industrious, confident, and persistence.  We agree.

Susan was raised as a Christian, however, after her divorce; she developed a stronger relationship with her Savior. 

With this new enthusiasm, I can remember her driving Neal and I to a restaurant when an ambulance with sirens wailing passed.  She robustly, and not quietly, prayed, “Oh Lord, bless those people!  Bless them that they will receive the help they need”…and so forth in that fashion.  We were a bit taken aback for it was not the style of praying we were accustomed to and we had to check to be sure her eyes were not closed as she was the one driving. 

The way she prayed may have mellowed over the years but certainly not her testimony and faith.  She surrounded herself with things that reminded her to lean on and enjoy the blessings of her Savior.  She made her home a place of refuge and peace. 

She often said That God was in charge, even upon accepting the cancer diagnosis.  Susan believed that He would provide what she needed in various circumstances.  In particularly trying times, she liked to quote one of her favorite scriptures:  Psalms 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.” 

That is particularly fit advice for those of us that she has left behind that are missing her and hurting.  She said she had had a good life, she was ready, and God was in charge. 

God loved this daughter of his very much.  I believe that He recognized that the love Susan had for so many of His children, although well communicated, was not able to be expressed to its full potential because of health and other hindrances.  He has given her an opportunity to do what she does best without pain, sorrow, or other limitations.

Susan wanted to be a ballerina when she was a little girl.  She wanted to take center stage and have all eyes on her dance. What she got was hula lessons which she actually did very well in.  I believe Susan very seldom took center stage as she almost always played the supporting actress in life.  She wrote that although she “never wore...ballerina slippers or danced like a swan across the stage”...she still loved to watch the ballet and “say a silent “thank you” to the ballerina.  For she has given me joy in watching her...and my dream can still live on as long as I can watch her dance.”  Let us give Susan the performance of our lives as she looks down upon us from heaven.

I would like to close with a Mother's Day poem written by Kira's hand when she was probably in Jr. High.

You are the one who loved me,

You are the one who cared.

You are the one I could count on,

Especially when I was scared.

We've had our good times,

And we've also had our bad.

But I always know you love me,

And that makes me kind of glad.

I have depended on you all my life.

I'm glad to call you “Mother.”

And as for one being just like you,

There could never be another.

Susan, you have been a blessing as a daughter, sister, aunt, wife, friend, and mother.  We love you and miss you.  We know you are celebrating with family and friends that have gone before you.

...
Neal is functioning but it taking the loss of his mother a little at a time.  We are thankful for the love, prayers, and support we have received from so many.  We are thankful to our Heavenly Father and for his plan of salvation and the knowledge that families can be together forever.  This knowledge makes this experience doable even in the difficulty.